


One Road to Forgiveness (the Other to Regrets)

by osmalic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-19
Updated: 2006-03-19
Packaged: 2017-10-22 00:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osmalic/pseuds/osmalic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first step is always the hardest, and the one most full of regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Road to Forgiveness (the Other to Regrets)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fire_werewolf](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=fire_werewolf).



> For fire_werewolf's Fantasy Fest prompt: _Severus is preparing to leave after he kills Albus (he's not dead yet) and runs into Remus, must include a sad goodbye kiss! <18._ Many thanks to **ureima** for the beta.

_He had already forgotten about the two girls who rushed past him and into his office; instead, he concentrated on keeping a quick yet steady march. The heels of his boots tapped loudly on the stone ground, echoing into the dark hallway before disappearing. Behind him, he could hear someone casting spells—trying to revive the other professor, no doubt—but he must not think of that and he had to move quickly._

 _Through the long corridor lit only by weak lamps, and he could not help remembering how he had never been frightened by the dark dungeons. He wondered if the millions of students and professors who visited this section of the school had ever rushed as he was doing so, and if they were attempting to be rid of the darkness._

 _Up two flights of stairs before reaching a corridor where the glowing lamps were joined by the dark blue of the sky. He gripped the hilt of his wand, pulling it closer to his chest. He kept to the shadows, his other hand brushing momentarily against the stone walls for leverage._

 _No time, he thought, no more time._

 

Remus Lupin stopped by again for tea. This wasn't a usual occurrence; most of the time he was off spying for Dumbledore or, after patrolling in Hogsmeade, would be more inclined to apparate directly to his London flat. Yet sometimes he would appear on Severus Snape's door, either to report or to simply have a drink. They rarely talked about anything, and if ever it was Lupin who did most of the talking with Severus letting him indulge in his small talks, occasionally grunting or scowling.

That night, Lupin had heard that Albus Dumbledore might be returning from his traveling and, finding he was still out, retired in Severus' quarters to report.

"Something's wrong. Something big is going to happen," Lupin told him, holding the cup in both hands and staring down at the swirling leaves at the bottom. "I don't know when or how, but it's going to happen."

It almost bothered Severus that he did not flinch at the declaration. "What did you find out?"

"Nothing," Lupin said in frustration. "Greyback speaks more urgently and the other werewolves are getting agitated, but there've been neither talks nor whispers…"

Severus merely nodded, staring at Lupin for a long time, not answering.

"Are you sure you don't know where Albus is?" his guest asked again, putting down his cup on a saucer. "He might have some ideas."

"No," Severus said shortly.

They sat that way for a long time, both drinking their tea, with Lupin occasionally glancing up at Severus and Severus ignoring him.

 

 _And turning right to another long corridor. He could jump through a window and escape to the grounds but there was no escape, none really. Muffled shouts and hexes were making their way to his ear, even though some distance remained. How deep had those people penetrated the school? How thoroughly had the boy thought this through?_

 _Past lecture rooms and cupboards. He almost glanced at one classroom where he remembered listening to a lecture by Professor Vector. He could not remember the topic, only that the professor had drawn squiggly lines that he attempted to explain magic and theory, mathematics and the universe, and how knowledge was the most powerful strength. His words now whispered in his ear, urged him forward..._

 _Past the portraits and paintings, where the inhibitors were jumping from one frame to the other. "What's happening?" they shouted after him. "What's all the fuss?"_

 _Ye he ignored them, and concentrated instead on putting one foot forward, then another, then another._

 _To tragedy. To death._

 

When Lupin knocked on his door once more a few weeks later, Severus had to hurriedly kick his Death Eater robes and mask under the bed—a blatant disrespect, he knew. He found, however, he was in more haste in knowing who his visitor was than rushing to the Dark Lord's side in fear of punishment.

Lupin was smiling when he opened the door. "I know Albus is not present," he announced boldly, "but may I still come in?"

Stunned by his audacity, Severus could only nod and step back before bursting out in a sneer, "To what do I owe this visit, then?"

"You owe yourself," Lupin returned. "You mix your tea so well."

Any other time, Severus would have preened at the compliment but right now was a bad time. He slammed the door most forcefully and turned to his visitor. "Do you not harbor thoughts that I may poison you at any time?"

"Of course I do," Lupin replied slowly, "but you are not anymore a Potions professor."

Severus smirked. "No. I am now a professor in Defense Against the Dark Arts."

Lupin eyes narrowed at this and there was a moment of silence as he seemed to struggle with himself. Finally, he shrugged as if not caring and responded, "Yes, you are that." He seemed discomforted and Severus had to wonder if he had finally achieved in humiliating the Werewolf. "I wanted to speak with you."

Severus was quickly guarded. "What of?"

Lupin must have noticed the tension that racked his form for he smiled and said gently, "No, Severus. I assure you, I am here for my own indulgence."

"Indulgence?" Severus had to repeat as he had never been anyone's indulgence. "What are you…?"

The other man began to fidget and avoided his eyes. "The war," he began, "has taken its toll on everyone and I know the two of us are not spared. I know that the past—"

"Lupin." Severus felt a wrenching grasp tightening in his chest. His words were harshly said. "Spare me your apologies, I have no need for it."

"I would feel better—"

 _"You_ would," snapped the irate man. He wished the Headmaster would return. "There is nothing to be gained from apologies."

"Except forgiveness," Lupin protested.

"Not even that." Severus quickly turned away, troubled with the disappointment in Lupin's eyes. "Regrets are for those who cannot move forward."

An uncomfortable silence surrounded them and Severus almost wished he could fidget. He did not notice Lupin moving until the Werewolf was standing before him, as close as he probably could ever dare. Severus resisted stepping back.

"Of course," Lupin breathed, voice uncharacteristically husky. "And there is a whole future still yet unexplored."

When Lupin traced the contour of his cheek with his fingers it was with an almost reverence, and Severus could not resist leaning into the touch. He doubted if he and Lupin were talking about the same things, but he could not refuse redemption—even if it came from this man.

 

 _Lunging towards a courtyard where the crisp air and the blinking stars awaited him. His skin felt clammy and cold despite the sweat that now dotted his forehead. When he realized his feet would continue to walk without his commands, he concentrated on getting his breathing even._

 _He had been a child here, once, and he remembered sitting under that tree. He had been humiliated there, in this yard: hundreds of times, by different people. For so many years he had hated this place and now he wished he could burn it down, burn away the memory as it continued to burn him._

 _Ah, there was that anger. He almost stumbled._

 _Hold on. Quickly now. And into the Astronomy Tower._

 

Severus found himself thinking about Remus Lupin so often that it was disturbing, especially now that he was finding himself being untimely assaulted uncharacteristic nostalgia. Suddenly, everything reminded him of the past and the Werewolf: the corner in the library where Lupin used to study during their school days, Lupin's old quarters that horrible year he was professor, the DADA classroom filled with texts that Lupin had ordered in anticipation of the students' questions, and even Severus' own reflection staring at himself and wondering if he truly was as good as a DADA professor as Lupin had been.

But he, of all people, could not afford distractions especially at this time. He dogged Draco Malfoy's steps, sure that the necklace incident was his doing. He waited for the Headmaster to return, and on the days he did, they spoke urgently of plans and reminders.

Once, he casually managed to venture a question about Lupin: "Where have you placed your other spy?"

Dumbledore paused and the enchanted quill on his desk also stilled. "Remus Lupin is currently gathering more information from…other sources."

"Does he have a chance?" Severus wondered, genuinely interested.

The Headmaster straightened from his armchair, his left hand wearily motioning for the quill to return to his lap; the glow of magical lamps and artifacts managed to paint shadows on his worn face.

"What do you think?" he asked, but his voice sounded more amused than he had ever been for months.

Severus could not help scowling. "I prefer not to," he replied shortly.

Dumbledore stared at him for a moment before speaking, very gently, "He will be fine, Severus."

"I wasn't asking," Severus replied, much too quickly.

 

 _And finally through another open rampart. A glance down confirmed several of people tumbling across the clearing and trying to fight off the other figures—the fools, whoever they were. They would be kept busy._

 _There was a loud noise surrounding him and it took a few more breaths before he realized that it was the blood pounding in his ears and hammering in his chest. He raised his hand, gripping his wand before him. There was no need for light under this bright starry sky. The sky was almost similar to the countless of nights when he sat here alone as a child. A few months ago, contemplating on the routes outside Hogwarts, the sky had seemed vaster, more infinite._

 _Yet now these same skies strangled him, making his breathing shallower. One more flight of stairs towards the highest ramparts; there was shouting up ahead. Further along his back were the figures fighting (no, no, he will **not** turn around) and someone screaming, "—the stairs! Reducto! REDUCTO!"_

 _It was with a careful aim of his wand that he managed to set up another series of wards before continuing._

 _He did not turn around._

 

Remus arrived a few days later, knocking at his door. Severus had him wait a few minutes as he struggled to regain his dignity from the despair he had felt earlier. When he faced Remus, his face had returned to its customary scowl.

"Hullo," the Werewolf said, smiling at him. "I thought we might have tea."

"Now isn't—" Severus started, then thought, _Well, when else will there be time?_ The Headmaster was safe for now; he would not return from his search for the Horcrux until the next day. The Malfoy boy would do no more harm for now. The Potter boy and his extensions can't be wreaking more havoc in the school. He grudgingly stepped away from the doorframe. "Come in."

"I wasn't sure…" This time it was Remus' voice that trailed off but he had a most curious smile on his lips. Severus noticed he was paler. "I haven't bothered you, right?"

No sound emerged from Severus' mouth as he shook his head no. He tried not to look around his room and see if Remus would notice the box at the corner where he had put his books, or if he would miss some bottles holding delicate ingredients that used to be on the shelves. ut Remus did not notice and he looked at Severus quizzically. "Severus?"

"Let's go outside," Severus blurted out. The room had suddenly become oppressive and he was again having second thoughts on Dumbledore's proposal—perhaps Remus would notice his unease and would ask, and Severus would not have to—  
"A walk?" Remus seemed surprised.

Severus crossed his arms quickly. "You needn't come—"

"I will." And Remus again began to button his cloak as Severus fetched his. Together, they walked through the dark corridor _(where he had left the girls to help Flitwick)_ , up the stairs _(where he had taken care to quicken his steps)_ , and across the courtyard _(where he remembered humiliation)_ before they ended up at the foot of the Astronomy Tower.

Then, Remus turned to him, smiling impishly and recklessly suggested, "Shall we go up?"

"There is no reason for it," Severus replied, wary that someone might catch them.

"I want to look at Hogsmeade," Remus explained, already making his way through the entrance and up the stairs to the parapet. Each step was almost ominous, making silencing the atmosphere between them.

 

 _There were four Death Eaters, a Werewolf, and a boy, and one Headmaster kneeling before him, looking up at his eyes._

 _Someone was saying something, but his eyes could only see one figure…_

 

The highest point of the tower was the coldest and Severus huddled in his cloak, grumbling as he cast a warming spell, "What on earth are you looking at in that town, Lupin?"

"The patrols are still there." Lupin leaned against the stone hedges, as if he could see that far. He probably could. "Bill, Tonks—"

"Miss Nymphadora," Severus spat suddenly, unable to help himself.

Remus only shrugged and smiled uncomfortably but did not rise to the bait. Instead, he said, "I know you said you don't want apologies, but—"

"I don't," Severus cut in, already awkward.

"Severus." And Remus laid a hand on his arm. Severus glared at it before transferring his gaze to Remus. He could not bear to be touched. "Time is surely against me, and you are right. I do not want to regret." He took a deep breath.

But, suddenly, suddenly, an inexplicable terror gripped Severus' throat. He jerked his arm away, almost lashing out. How **dare** this man speak about regrets?! He did not know any! "What do you want from me?" he hissed. "Do you want assurances for the future?"

"Nothing of that sort," Remus replied although his eyes were bewildered. "Even I am not so foolish as to want that. Not even then."

"You can't give me what I want," Severus interrupted, shaking his head. "I doubt you even know what you want—"

"Severus."

"When I said there would be no regrets, I meant for you to grow a spine and to never hesitate in your decisions!" It felt like a flood rushing out of his mouth, and for one panicky moment Severus realized he could not control himself. "To never make excuses for your actions and decisions! Your apologies are worth nothing to me. It makes me **sick** that you would think you can jerk me around, expecting me to expect something from you! Tell me what it is, and leave me in peace to do what I should do!"

 

 _...The Headmaster gazed at him expectantly and for a brief moment he hesitated, letting the anger course through his bodyat the utterance of his name: "Severus."_

 _Four wands were raised against the Headmaster._

 _"Severus. Please."_

 _Now there were five._

 

And Remus kissed him.

 

 _He spoke the curse._

 

There was no sense in pulling away so he closed his eyes and tilted his head, allowing Remus do whatever he would. The Werewolf's fingers brushed against his neck, holding him in place, and for once in his life, Severus thought he did not want to be anywhere else in the world but there.

So he held Remus' hands and kissed him back, thinking **this** was better than having only hate. Each of Remus' movement was languid, savoring each touch on Severus' lips by drawing him closer, their bodies meeting and pressing, fingers and hands splaying over each other. When Remus murmured his name against his lips, Severus felt himself sigh—whether in satisfaction or in regret, he did not know.

When Severus' fingers tightened around Remus', he felt an answering squeeze. "Hold on," they seemed to say, but it could only have been his imagination.

 

* * *

 

Remus Lupin would have stumbled over the dead fellow were it not for his instincts. He aimed his wand to a dark figure and shouted hexes while deflecting another. At the corner of his eyes, he could see Bill now conscious, yet still determined—finally managing to remove the barrier set at the flank of the entryway and up the stairs, except there was another big form lunging towards him from the side.

Remus shouted, _"Impedimenta!"_ and the Death Eater stumbled and slowed, losing her balance and falling over Bill's figure.

And from the stairs, another figure shot out.

Severus Snape's face was white and in his arms he was half-dragging, half-carrying a pale-haired boy, but he paused as his eyes absorbed the situation, lips pressed tightly.

Remus neared him. "Severus!" he shouted. "There are more outside!"

Severus' face snapped towards him and for a moment Remus thought the man would argue, but then the figure in his arms gave a small whine and Remus quickly turned away, already making his way to cover Tonks.

Later, he would be devastated at the news that he would receive. He would berate himself for falling for such tricks, cursing himself bitterly about a thousand regrets and severed futures.

And he would briefly remember the way Severus' eyes met his pleadingly before the dark shadows overtook him. And the way his fingers brushed against the back of Remus' hand, softly, so softly, before finally darting out of his grasp.


End file.
